Depression and Disappointment

Hi all. I know it’s been awhile but I guess I haven’t been up for much social media posting lately. I’ve had a lot going on and it just seems to continue on. To begin with I was out of work for about a month to deal with a bout of heavy depression in January, I was planning my wedding and just dealing with the stress of work in general. The wedding went well, I am officially a Mrs. and I was doing relatively well after that month off, but my call center job still doesn’t seem to work well with my psyche..so anxiety and depression definitely come up at sporadic moments. I’ve started job hunting, just to kind of see what all is out there and it’s really hard. The only major skill I have is my customer service and patience. Mostly what that gets me is more call center jobs such as a Customer Service Specialist or a Customer Service Associate.

Those jobs that require the patience of a Saint. I mean it takes a lot not to scream and curse at someone who is talking down to you for half an hour like you’re some kind of moron or cuss you out because they screwed up. It takes so much and I am skilled at that when I am on the phone. However it’s afterwards where it really gets to you and starts to wear you down. I’ve had my fair share of times where I’ve had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I am so adverse to the thought of anyone seeing me cry that If I really try, I can force it all down into a little pocket inside myself where it will stay until I can get to my car. It takes half an hour to get home and that is where I let the tears flow. I don’t even like my partners seeing me cry. 20 years of feeling like I don’t have a right to feel so bad or that no one really cares has made me rather good at hiding my tears.

Anyway, the point to all of that is that I am now job hunting. I have had two interviews at this point. One with a company that was more corporate in a position that did not require me to spend the day bombarded by calls, but that I cared little about and one that I was more excited about than I have been about anything in a lot time. Another effect of my depression is this feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I rarely, if ever, get truly excited about anything anymore. It’s terrible, but I wasn’t even excited about my wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely happy to be getting married to my now husband and I enjoyed the wedding itself, but there was no real anticipation or excitement for me. I’m just always in fear of being disappointed so I don;t ever see the point of getting excited about things.

So I went in for an interview for the second company and it went amazing. I had a great rapport with the recruiter and made some fun and random connections with the hiring managers. I even asked for some feedback on the interview, mentioning that I had applied for a position with them two years ago and had just lacked some of the confidence in myself to really do the job. The second person I interviewed with said she had pretty much no feedback and that the confidence was definitely there. I left there feeling more confident about an interview than I ever have. For the first time ever I felt like I had completely nailed an interview and I was so happy.

I was excited and anxious and counting down the hours, the minutes until the amazing recruiter contacted me to tell me what they had decided, so sure that I was going to get the job. And I am never sure about anything. I am the queen of second guessing myself. And get in contact with me he did. He went out of his way to call me, not even a full 2 days after the interview. I was at work when I saw the call come in, recognizing his number and I was so anxious and excited and nervous. I called him back in the short time I had between a team meeting and getting back on the phones I so despise.

I’m sure you can guess by now what happened. I didn’t get it. Competition was high for this position and I just didn’t make the cut. He told me that they hiring managers had no real feedback as I had done a really good job with the interviews. I even remembered my thank you note which I emailed out the same day. I thanked them all, even the guy that I got to job shadow. Now I should be happy that my recruiter  was so detailed with me. He said that by July they will likely be opening up similar positions and that I should definitely stay in contact. He reminded me that I had his email and his number and that he was happy to be my point of contact with the company.

He really is such a nice guy. We even connected over Disneyland/world while waiting for my job shadow person to be ready for me.  I wish I could keep that positive attitude and loom forward to re applying to the position or another one, but right now I can’t. All I can feel is this crushing disappointment that pulls me down into a state of depression that has me constantly tired and prone to long naps that I struggle to get up from. I’m emotional eating again and back to drinking soda. And work, it is so hard to go to work. I use up my fmla days faster than you can imagine and my paycheck definitely suffers from it. The changes to the company and the bonus structures don’t help either.

I just want a job where I can feel like I have actually accomplished something at the end of the day. One that pays enough for me to actually keep up with my bills and still have enough left to save for the honeymoon to Disneyworld that just seems so far out of my reach at the moment. I want to do a job where I can utilize my awesome customer service skills but actually have a challenge that takes more than a 3-6 conversation and usually ends with, “Did you want the confirmation number for that payment or will you get it from your email?” I am tired of people acting as though every little fuck-up they make on their accounts should be credited or taken care of by our company. I talk to a lot of really nice people but honestly, the grumpy, demanding, entitled people out-number them by far.

So I am just here, going on and on about this rejection for a job. I’ve gotten plenty of rejections before but this is the first one I’ve let myself get excited about since I finally got in to my current company. I applied to my current company for like 2 years before I got in. And now look at me. Too much has changed in my department and now I feel trapped. I can’t just pick up and leave this job because I need the money. I could easily find another job with any number of companies, but I can’t afford a pay cut of any kind.

So I’m stuck. At least that’s how it feels. Unless I find a better job or win the lottery, I can’t afford to go anywhere. So I’ll stay here, trying to drown my sadness with food and antidepressants, hoping I’ll some day find a job that leaves me feeling so satisfied with a what I do everyday that I eventually don’t need any of  that to fill the void that’s never quite gone away since the loss of my uncle. And I am happy. I just want to be truly happy. Is that too much to ask for?

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Think Happier Thoughts – An Update

It worked for Wendy Darling, so why can’t it work for me?

Hello everyone and welcome to my own personal corner of the inter web..aka the internet..aka.the world wide web (WWW..yes that’s what it stands for lol) or whatever the heck you wish to call it, because I have known it by a number of names. So, you probably might notice that there is a distinct lack of consistency in my blog and I’m sorry for that, I really am. I’m here to change that and to try and put something good out into the world.

I am leaning away from the scattered bits of health progress because I have realized that in order to be successful with my changes to my health, I am going to need to change my ways of thinking.  Already I have been experimenting with changing my thoughts. I have discovered that telling myself that I am going to have a good day, that it can actually improve my overall outlook on how my day will progress. Now sometimes no amount of positive thinking can save my day if I’m really tired or dealing with more hormonal mood detractors (i.e my period) but still I’ve noticed a difference. I am also looking into a little bit of assistance from a psychiatrist. There are some moods and imbalances that I may not be able to handle on my own.  I may need to temporarily take medication to lessen the anxiety and bouts of depression so that I can continue to progress with improving my overall outlook in life.

I have found a new therapist who amusingly enough is also seeing my fiance, metamore  (my partner’s partner) and her partner. She is a wonderful woman and the open-minded way that she manages everything work well for me. I am very happy with her and am glad that my metamore recommended her to me. I feel like it helps our therapist get a more rounded view of our family too. Getting different views from each of us seems like it could help her with making recommendations to improve things overall with our family. She is a very proactive and rather blunt therapist and I think that is what we need.

Anyway..I digress. The point of this post is that I have made the decision to make a change to my thought patterns, health and overall state of being. I am going to break things down into manageable bits and share my progress here. Below is a list of things I plan on doing and I will be adding to it as I go along. Maybe I’ll even make a separate page with the list and cross things out as I do them. With that said…wish me luck and thank you for joining me in this journey.

1. Think Happy Thoughts -Tell yourself that you will have a good day, repeating it to the point that you almost believe it. It actually works for the most part and I highly recommend it. This was a success.
2. Clean Up My Personal Space – Reduce anxiety by cleaning up my space to reduce the stress of having to search for item frantically and constantly stepping on things.
3. Clean Up My Car – Technically this goes with cleaning up my personal space but I am breaking this down into smaller bits. A messy car in a moving vehicle of stress an anxiety waiting to happen. If I am not struggling to find things in it, I am bushing with shame over the thought of people seeing it.
4. Clean Shared Areas – Help to implement a sort of order to the more public areas of our house to lessen stress and worry connected to that. In a house with at least two people who have major anxiety and multiple people who become rather unmotivated due to depression..keeping up with this stuff can make it easier to manage on the days when all our depression aligns to keep us from doing much of anything. This time of years those can happen a lot.
5. Create Small Manageable Goals – Make goals for the short and long term. Celebrate each small victory to keep up the motivation for the longer term goals.
6. Figure Out  A Budget and Stick To It! – This one kind of speaks for itself and I feel as though implementing this after the holidays is a good idea.
7. Figure Out All The Misc Adult Things I Need To Work On – Things like creating a will, keeping up on the details of my refinance etc. Some major Adulting needs to happen and only I can do it! Well…some of it involves others in my house but a lot of it is really my responsibility.
To be continued….

Well that’s all I can think of at the moment..I will update my progress here with periodic journal entries and relate them to each thing I have listed here. Thanks for stopping by and I will see you next time.

-A

Skincare/Beauty Reviews, Swissvita, New York Biology and More!

 

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Hi all! So I am greatly overdue for some more awesome beauty reviews. I have been trying out a variety of items from different companies and I just wanted to share them with you.I have been trying to decide on a beauty regimen, but it’s really hard to decide on which company or which variety of products to use. Here are just a few of the companies and their products. I’ve thrown in a review of this amazing hair mask as well. Enjoy!


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Swissvita Micrite 3D All Use Anti-Spot Serum

I will start with the awesome little anti-spot serum from Swissvita. This awesome little serum is for brightening skin and fading dark age spots. It is meant to even out the tone. Now for me, a lot of my face is relatively even but it’s a bit on the dry side. For me I used this mainly in the areas that seem to have gotten the most sun over the years of my living in sunny Arizona. I chose to use it in tandem with the regular serum that I will be talking about next in order to handle all of my concerns. Now what I love about this and other products from Swissvita is their gentleness on my skin. I always test out products on my wrist before they go on my face and never once has my sensitive skin had any sort of reaction to their products. They are also scent free unlike most beauty products and have many all natural ingredients

This one has been no exception to that. It has been gently fading the different dark areas I have around my face, mostly some of the bigger “freckles” I’ll call them, because at 31 I know they are called sunspots/agespots but those names make me feel old lol. So all in all, very happy with this serum. Get your own on amazon Here
(I received this item free in  exchange for an honest review)


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Swissvita Micrite 3D All Use Serum

Like the previous item this serum was from Swissvita. This serum was one focused more on moisture and anti-aging. It glided on nicely and had a great consistancy. It definitely evened out the moisture in my face and I did notice a diminishing of the lines around my eyes and a few other places it’s likely only I notice. As always with this company this serum is free of additives, parabens and other not so nice to your skin items. It is also unscented, so is a great option for those who are sensitive to strong smells. This and the other serum, worked perfectly together. Get your own bottle HERE
(I received this item free in exchange for my honest review)


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New York Biology Acne Scar Cream

So as you can see there is a bit of a theme with my reviews today. They are all focused on keeping your skin looking lovely. And this cream definitely helps with that. I have been using this cream as a moisturizer to help deal with acne scars and other scars overall. The cream is gentle, paraben and cruelty-free and has a very nice texture. It goes on easily and was perfect for my sensitive skin. I did my best to show the part of my face where I noticed the most difference. If you’d like to try this product yourself check it out on Amazon HERE
(I received this item free in exchange for my honest review)


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Hairgurt Intense Repair Hair Masque

So I don’t necessarily want to say I saved the best for last, but this mask was by far one of my recent favorites and will be staying in my beauty regimen. To start with, this stuff smells good enough to eat, to the point where it blatantly says DO NOT EAT on the packaging. It smells like a strawberry banana smooth and it MAKES YOUR HAIR SMELL EDIBLE! I will seriously just sit there and sniff my hair like some weirdo after I’ve used it. This mask is perfect for any dry or treated hair because it puts all the moisture back into it. I have bleached hair atm and it feels amazing after I’ve let some of this sit on it.

The way I used it was I would wash my hair, then put the mask in it and cover with a shower cap until I finished the rest of my shower. It says leave it for 5-10 min before you wash it out and I greatly recommend that you follow that. So if you would like one of these amazing 2-packs or would like to check out one of their other hair masks just click HERE for their amazon page.
(I received this item free in exchange for my honest review)

Well folks that’s all for now. Thank you so much for checking out my reviews and I look forward to seeing you next time.

-Aubrey

 

 

 

 

My Fiance is Back in the Hospital :-(

Hey all!

So apparently every time I am doing well with a diet and with weight loss, something has to happen to interrupt it or disrupt it. In this case it had to do with my fiance being in the hospital. He had gone in for a routine procedure to deal with something called a Schatzki ring. This was basically an issue that caused his esophagus to narrow so that at times he would have trouble eating certain things. Anyhow..something went wrong and the doctors who did the procedure managed to tear a 3 in gash in his esophagus. This required emergency surgery where they had to cut into his side and even break some ribs to get to where the tear was to fix it. Had he eaten or drank anything he literally could have died. So yeah, quite a bit of stress. Obviously dieting and health has been the last thing on my mind and now it’s continuing on.

He was in the hospital for about a month and has been on bed rest for about 3 weeks. He has been on a feeding tube and is supposed to get it taken out once they are sure the hole is fully healed. Today the damn feeding tube got clogged or something so we were unable to do the food or pain meds for him. We tried some steps to get the clog out but they did not work and we were directed to go to the ER. He is now stuck there for a day, possibly 2 if the doctor can’t get in to see him right away. I know he’s going to be fine but I am extremely anxious and all I can do is eat every carb in sight to deal with it. I just want him home in one piece. No tubes, no IV. I just want him home….it’s not fair for someone like him to have to go through this.

Anyway..that’s my update. I just wanted to share what was going on so you knew I hadn’t forgotten you all. I’ll have some reviews for you all soon and I will keep you updated on my fiance’s status.

Love you and and I’ll see you in the next post,

-Aubrey

The End of A Vacation – Personal Struggles

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Hi all!

So I know it’s been quite awhile since I have done any sort of blogging, but I felt the need to write and thought it was about time I do more than just a couple reviews. First of all, hope you are enjoying my gallery of randomness. These were some of the photos I took while vacationing with part of my family in Delaware and Virginia. For the longest time we would go every summer but due to finances and various events and life changes we haven;t been back in about 2-3 years. It was a bit different than it used to be, my brothers have grown up, as have I. It was almost bittersweet to experience all the changes and I admit that I felt a bit off the whole trip, though I still had a decent time. I’m 31 now and as I interacted with my family it was a bit odd, because I’ve gotten just old enough so that I don’t fully relate to my brothers but, I’m not quite old enough, or maybe just not mature enough to fully relate to my stepmom as a fellow adult. I’m used to being one of the kids and I guess part of me isn’t quite ready to let go of that.

I don’t want to be one of those obnoxious adults that is always “chasing their youth” and I know 31 isn’t that old but still…I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. It’s like a funny meme I saw that said I don’t know how to be this old because I’ve never been this age before. And I love my parents but they aren’t exactly adults to learn from and have always been more like siblings. I’ve been lucky enough to have some positive adult influence in my life in my stepmom, uncle, grandma and even my awesome hippy aunt (I can thank her for my love of folk festivals and contra dancing). Now that’s not to say I’m saying my mom and dad haven’t given any positives to my life. I enjoy my time spent with both, I just don’t look to them for guidance, because I won’t find any there. They have their lives and I have mine. That’s all there is to it.

  • Sorry for the rambling but hey this is my blog and if you’ve made it this far then there must be something you are liking about my writing. The reason for the ramble is that every time I get to spend time with this part of my family I always seem to get a new reflection of myself shown to me. With this part of my family I am more myself than with any others, even my poly family. As a rule, I don’t like to rock the boat, so I tend to keep my mouth shut about things. Not that I feel suppressed by anyone at all, I just always feel like I’m on a teeter-totter waiting for that one wrong move on my part that will screw things up or tip the balance. Nothing to do with my poly fam or anyone back home, just the way my brain has been ever since my uncle passed away. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    My time with this part of my family is more relaxed and there is such open communication between everyone and we all know each other well enough to know how to approach each other. Hmm..not sure where I was going with this..oh! Sorry, got carried away by Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas. Lol. Anyway, I always learn a little more about myself on these trips. My stepmom is very forward but in a more productive way. Like she’ll be forward about what she thinks but will give me her ideas on how to fix it. A bit of sugar with the salt I suppose. And while I can’t see the good in myself she’s always happy to tell me exactly what good I’ve done and how strong I am, even if I’m really uncomfortable hearing it because honestly, I don’t see what she does.

    I’m going to try and take her advice with stopping the internal negative thoughts but it’s so hard. I think I just need to find a creative outlet to help work on my self image. I want to do some sort of dancing, adult ballet, belly dancing, even pole dancing classes would be fun. Any of those would be a way to get exercise and let out that dancer that I’ve always wanted to be but never seem to find a way to free. So this comes to the part where I put down some goals for myself because something needs to change and actually stick.

  • I’m going to start getting to bed a bit earlier and getting up earlier so I can take time to get ready for work and be there on time.
  • I will get back on track with a healthier and likely Keto diet because honestly, I feel so much better on that diet.
  • Start going to the gym before or after work and make sure to utilize the pool and classes and hey even the sauna.
  • Try to meditate once a day, even if it’s part of using the special pillow the chiropractor gave me, because it’s oddly relaxing
  • Get my personal space back where it needs to be with organization because honestly the mess drives me crazy but I keep getting into these down modes. So I will break it up piece by piece and get everything back where it needs to be.
  • Make sure to be more aware of my thought processes and try to stop those negative thoughts before they take over.

    I think that’s a pretty good set of goals for now, right? Anyway, if you’ve made it this far thank you for sticking with me to the end. Any feedback or suggestions are definitely welcome, I’d love to know how you mange those negative thoughts and who knows, maybe we can help each other.

    Thanks for stopping by and I will see you next time!
    -Aubrey

 

New York Biology Skincare – A Review


Hi all! I am sitting here at the airport and thought I would go ahead and share some cool products from New York Biology. I received some of their skincare free in exchange for my honest review. As always, all reviews are entirely my own. With that said, here we go!

New York Biology UltraLASH Lash Growth Serum

This serum has been pretty awesome. It is very gentle on sensitive eyes (which mine are) and I noticed new lash growth within a week. This item can be used to darken brow hairs and increase growth there, though I didn’t notice as much of a difference there. So far I am definitely a fan. If you’d like to try out this serum you can get your own HERE

New York Biology Retinol Moisturizer

Now I am a huge fan of products like this that have anti-aging properties. I am only 31, but I am definitely focused on keeping my skin in good condition. This cream is gentle and has the anti-aging hyaluronic acid and retinol which are both just so good for your skin. My skin definitely felt moisturized. And another thing…big big fan of the packaging. They have this unique too that pushes down to issue the perfect amount of product, as seen below. Get your own container HERE
New York Biology Anti-Aging Eye Gel

So this was a bit different. Instead of this product being a cream, it was a gel. The texture was very creamy and glided neatly on to my skin. Like the moisturizer it had the same really cool dispenser. This cream treats puffiness, dark circles and fine lines. Definitely a fan and it works well with the other 2 products. Get yours HERE

Alright peeps, so that is it. I am about to take off on a flight to Virginia for a well-deserved vacation. Hope you are all having a good day and I shall see you next time. 

– Aubrey


Summer Essentials – Glise Goggles Set Review



Hi everyone! Just stopping by for another review for this pretty awesome set I received. I received some goggles from a company called Glise and I am extremely happy with them, so I wanted to share them with you. Now I did receive this set free in exchange for my honest review and all opinions are my own. 
So! First things first I have to say that this set had seriously everything that you need for swimming, especially outside in the summer. To start with, the goggles have like 3 different nose pieces to help get the best fit possible. The lenses were fog-proof and there wasn’t a single leak the whole time I was wearing them. The head strap was the most easy to adjust strap I have ever had on goggles. Even better, the lens are like polarized..so coming out of the water into the AZ sun wasn’t as blinding as it normally is. 

Alright, so the goggles alone make this set worth the price, even if it were just the goggles, but it also comes with a swim cap. Now many of you are rolling your eyes at that, but I was so happy with it! I spent $300+ on my lovely mermaid hair and keeping it protected is a must to keep those colors lasting. That said this cap was super easy to put on, as shown below and I barely had to adjust it at all.  

The last pieces that came with this set were a pair of ear plugs and nose plug for those with a need for them and a nice drawstring carrying case. All are pretty nice quality and overall I was very satisfied with the set. 

So yeah, super happy with this set and even had fun trying out my geekpro underwater with them 🙂 If you are looking for an awesome pair of goggles, then be sure to check this set out on Amazon here: Glise Swim Goggles Sports Set

Thanks for stopping by and I will see you next time!

-Aubrey