Hi all. I know it’s been awhile but I guess I haven’t been up for much social media posting lately. I’ve had a lot going on and it just seems to continue on. To begin with I was out of work for about a month to deal with a bout of heavy depression in January, I was planning my wedding and just dealing with the stress of work in general. The wedding went well, I am officially a Mrs. and I was doing relatively well after that month off, but my call center job still doesn’t seem to work well with my psyche..so anxiety and depression definitely come up at sporadic moments. I’ve started job hunting, just to kind of see what all is out there and it’s really hard. The only major skill I have is my customer service and patience. Mostly what that gets me is more call center jobs such as a Customer Service Specialist or a Customer Service Associate.
Those jobs that require the patience of a Saint. I mean it takes a lot not to scream and curse at someone who is talking down to you for half an hour like you’re some kind of moron or cuss you out because they screwed up. It takes so much and I am skilled at that when I am on the phone. However it’s afterwards where it really gets to you and starts to wear you down. I’ve had my fair share of times where I’ve had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I am so adverse to the thought of anyone seeing me cry that If I really try, I can force it all down into a little pocket inside myself where it will stay until I can get to my car. It takes half an hour to get home and that is where I let the tears flow. I don’t even like my partners seeing me cry. 20 years of feeling like I don’t have a right to feel so bad or that no one really cares has made me rather good at hiding my tears.
Anyway, the point to all of that is that I am now job hunting. I have had two interviews at this point. One with a company that was more corporate in a position that did not require me to spend the day bombarded by calls, but that I cared little about and one that I was more excited about than I have been about anything in a lot time. Another effect of my depression is this feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I rarely, if ever, get truly excited about anything anymore. It’s terrible, but I wasn’t even excited about my wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely happy to be getting married to my now husband and I enjoyed the wedding itself, but there was no real anticipation or excitement for me. I’m just always in fear of being disappointed so I don;t ever see the point of getting excited about things.
So I went in for an interview for the second company and it went amazing. I had a great rapport with the recruiter and made some fun and random connections with the hiring managers. I even asked for some feedback on the interview, mentioning that I had applied for a position with them two years ago and had just lacked some of the confidence in myself to really do the job. The second person I interviewed with said she had pretty much no feedback and that the confidence was definitely there. I left there feeling more confident about an interview than I ever have. For the first time ever I felt like I had completely nailed an interview and I was so happy.
I was excited and anxious and counting down the hours, the minutes until the amazing recruiter contacted me to tell me what they had decided, so sure that I was going to get the job. And I am never sure about anything. I am the queen of second guessing myself. And get in contact with me he did. He went out of his way to call me, not even a full 2 days after the interview. I was at work when I saw the call come in, recognizing his number and I was so anxious and excited and nervous. I called him back in the short time I had between a team meeting and getting back on the phones I so despise.
I’m sure you can guess by now what happened. I didn’t get it. Competition was high for this position and I just didn’t make the cut. He told me that they hiring managers had no real feedback as I had done a really good job with the interviews. I even remembered my thank you note which I emailed out the same day. I thanked them all, even the guy that I got to job shadow. Now I should be happy that my recruiter was so detailed with me. He said that by July they will likely be opening up similar positions and that I should definitely stay in contact. He reminded me that I had his email and his number and that he was happy to be my point of contact with the company.
He really is such a nice guy. We even connected over Disneyland/world while waiting for my job shadow person to be ready for me. I wish I could keep that positive attitude and loom forward to re applying to the position or another one, but right now I can’t. All I can feel is this crushing disappointment that pulls me down into a state of depression that has me constantly tired and prone to long naps that I struggle to get up from. I’m emotional eating again and back to drinking soda. And work, it is so hard to go to work. I use up my fmla days faster than you can imagine and my paycheck definitely suffers from it. The changes to the company and the bonus structures don’t help either.
I just want a job where I can feel like I have actually accomplished something at the end of the day. One that pays enough for me to actually keep up with my bills and still have enough left to save for the honeymoon to Disneyworld that just seems so far out of my reach at the moment. I want to do a job where I can utilize my awesome customer service skills but actually have a challenge that takes more than a 3-6 conversation and usually ends with, “Did you want the confirmation number for that payment or will you get it from your email?” I am tired of people acting as though every little fuck-up they make on their accounts should be credited or taken care of by our company. I talk to a lot of really nice people but honestly, the grumpy, demanding, entitled people out-number them by far.
So I am just here, going on and on about this rejection for a job. I’ve gotten plenty of rejections before but this is the first one I’ve let myself get excited about since I finally got in to my current company. I applied to my current company for like 2 years before I got in. And now look at me. Too much has changed in my department and now I feel trapped. I can’t just pick up and leave this job because I need the money. I could easily find another job with any number of companies, but I can’t afford a pay cut of any kind.
So I’m stuck. At least that’s how it feels. Unless I find a better job or win the lottery, I can’t afford to go anywhere. So I’ll stay here, trying to drown my sadness with food and antidepressants, hoping I’ll some day find a job that leaves me feeling so satisfied with a what I do everyday that I eventually don’t need any of that to fill the void that’s never quite gone away since the loss of my uncle. And I am happy. I just want to be truly happy. Is that too much to ask for?